After a few years of not posting,  it was good to read where I was in 2009.  I weathered the conflicts, graduated, found my workplace home, weathered a few more serious conflicts, etc.  The battles I faced as I wrote my last post were preparation for where I am at now.  Knowing this only deepens my sense of peace over all of it!

I hope to get back to writing more in the coming weeks.  I will be starting a second blog that I anticipate will be more active. Check it out!

Ripping the Band aid off fast hurts

Today was the day--- some issues with a co-worker had to be dealt with.  It was done in a manner that could be likened to the way my mother used to remove a band aid from a bad scrape when I was young--- very swiftly and very firmly.  I would imagine that it caused a pretty bad sting to the recipient much like the removing of the band aid did me.  

Much like a bad scrape or a deep wound that requires covering for a time-- the behavior of my co-worker has caused pain, left our whole system open to "infection" if you will, and compromised the overall health of our operation.  The breech had been addressed previously, and a time of "healing" by way of grace and observation was allowed.  It has become obvious that we have seen all the improvement that we are going to see with the current course of treatment.  So, just a mother with a child, the covering had to be removed so that all that laid beneath it would be exposed-- visible-- available for examination.  A new course of treatment has to be set once a band aid is removed-- will you apply a salve?  will you just let the air help it dry and heal?  is time all it needs?  is it more serious than first suspected?

Watching this process today was much like seeing someone wince in the pain associated with that swift tearing away of the protection that the band aid was providing.  No more cover, no more cushion-- just open exposure of a very sore and tender area.  I find myself feeling like one of the group that had to hold him still so the work could be done-- not fun-- but necessary!  Tomorrow, I will work with him-- one on one.  He will be sore and angry-- but what was done, had to be done.  My hope-- though weak in its resolve, is that he will "heal" and get this job going right.  He has many attributes that can be a real asset in the work place.  More realistic is the concern that he will harden his heart even further toward our work place and deepen the wound until he has to be removed.  A hand or a foot is a good and useful thing-- unless it is so infected that it will cause death if not amputated.  The choice is now his-- 

I am withholding any further opinion of the happenings of the day.  My conduct was fair and forthright.  His reaction is beyond my control- my reaction is my own responsibility.  I will greet him tomorrow full of hope for a better future-- he controls how we move forward from there.  Tonight I rest, tomorrow--- will be here soon enough and will have to take care of itself

Thursday--- it means the week is almost over and this week, that is a very good thing. It also means I have to meet with the dean and my co-worker to discuss his poor work performance. We all have days that we dont do as much as we could or should. He has more than most. I think part of what bothers me the most about the whole thing is how strongly I have let his poor work ethic affect mine. I am normally a hard worker-- too hard sometimes, because I set a pace that I cannot realistically maintain. Since we embarked on this employment journey over the summer, I have watched my own work ethic and conduct slip below what I would accept from an employee of mine-- and now I have to drop the hammer on him while feeling much like I deserve at least a measure of the same.

Knowing that he is the sole support (by choice) for his family makes this all the more difficult. Add to that the fact that we are the only two steady employees here-- so if there are hard feelings, there is really no where to go to avoid the source while one sorts them out. This will be his 3rd negative review-- I have no idea if the others are "official"-- or merely amount to "a good talking to".

I know this job is more than I can do alone. It seems as though he posseses many of the skills that I lack. He is a kind and pleasant individual that is easy to talk with, but hard to work with. I find myself wondering how all this looks to God. God extends grace where none is deserved, he has endless patience with our failures, and accepts us right where we are at. While I realize that this is a secular work place, my hearts greatest desire is to reflect God and his character in all that I do-- how do I balance my "worldly" responsibilities and maintain a posture that is pleasing to God? Much of this has nothing to do with me-- but most of what the administration knows of my co-worker has to come from me. Have I been fair and just-- have I simply grumbled and complained? I know that I often dont give my co-worker the direction I suspect he needs, because I am angry that he needs it. He has the degree, makes double my salary, and yet seems to be unable to plan a productive day for himself or even understand the daily flow of the work load here.

Tomorrow is Thursday--- tonight I have a dinner date with my husband and probably one of the last nights without homework that I will experience for a good long while-- so I think I need to let God deal with Thursday until it gets here, then He can help me navigate my way thru the uncertainty that I feel about it.

Dawn

So often the phrase "It's always darkest before the dawn" seems to apply to my life. While that is true, it is not as negative a statement as I have frequently taken it to be. Yes, I have had more than my share of dark times-- but that means I have had many, many new dawns as well. I do grow weary of the dark, but I am beginning to trust that the dawn is soon to follow-- and will follow-- and that the sun will break warm upon me-- and it will be a new day. When my children have been dismayed by a difficult day, I have been known to try to encourage them by reminding them to find something good in every day-- even if the only thing good about today is that it wont last any longer than till tomorrow! Today is a better day--

Today marks the beginning of what I hope to be a successful approach to managing some of my bi-polar issues. I have been in a state of nearly non-stop tears and overwhelming anger for several days-- and no real reason for any of it. There are things I could be upset about for sure-- but no reason for the way I have been reacting to it. Maybe today will be better--maybe I can say that for several days in a row-- that would be a nice change.

If I believed in a "previous life", I would have to say that it is likely I was a turtle. Even in the midst of plenty of good and positive things, I find myself more comfortable with the thought of retreating where I can tuck in all my vulnerable parts and ignore everything around me. Since I struggle deeply with loneliness, this only compounds the problem, but I genuinly have very little desire to do anything elese and simpy do so because I know I must-- life in my shell is warm and safe and no one can find reason to be upset with me--because I have done/said nothing upsetting-- I cant make waves from inside my shell-- I dont make a mess that I forget to deal with -- I cant overspend or share stupid ideas that make life unpleasant for the non-shell dwellers-- I may not come out today--

Follow through-- do what you say-- learn that words have life and the opposite is true as well-- you can't change people, but you can always work on yourself-- somedays just wont be worth it, but the sum of your days can be amazing